Lunch Thieves and Legal/WMD Hazards.
In nearly every American workplace (apart from crime labs) there are idiots who steal their lunch from other lunches. They are the dreaded lunch thieves. A lunch thief will not go far in the case of a crime lab as the workplace, simply becuse the "vic" is a C.S.I. type who will dust off the bag for fingerprints, run them (and ALL government workers are fingerprinted), and it's Game Over for the idiot. Forget the TV show, the real deal CSI type will figure it out!
A lunch thief will often (but not always) be really omnivorous. Think about it. A lunch thief will have to be willing to eat most anything, so long as he or she finds it tasty. A fussy eater will not be a good suspect. They will not be prone to known (or any) food allergies. Thus, in offices, where you find yuppies you will be more likely to find a lunch thief. Only in larger blue-collar type workplaces will you find this criminal.
I mention "yuppies" becuse those who are high-wage young professionals are prone to visiting ethnic restaurants while most blue-collar types stay out, due to culinary non-adventurism. This is an ingredient in the profile of the lunch thief. Unless you pack a lunch like Bolute Eggs (as made famous by "Fear Factor") a lunch thief will at least try it.
Oddly enough, it's not from hunger in most cases, but a willing to try new foods or finding a mark's food tast's tasty that drives food thieves... but not always. As I found out the hard way. At work, I drink Diet 7-Up, becuse I want to lose weight. The lack of sugar/carbs and lack of caffeine was no deterrent. The purp may have well dumped it after one swig.
There are two strategies available to the one worker:
1: You can try to find the purp. this can be a real pain in the arse.
2: Ensure your lunch is secure, so the thief steals from others instead.
The first involves things like setting a trap, which can be funny, but problematic. The second, is easier, but you get no "satisfaction" from finding the purp. A third method, not mentioned, is the old "Ex-Lax" method. I chose to not mention it is becuse of legally murky issues, involving boobytraps, liability issues, and the like. If you are an AIDS patient, it can include bioterror/WMD issues! Lunch thieves take notice. There ARE gays with AIDS on meds walking around. Put that sandwich down, unless you want to be an unwitting WMD. I shall not describe how an AIDS patient can make himself or their fluids into a WMD by using you as the delivery system.
The best method is to simply lock up your food. (second method) You can always buy a lunchbox and attach a hasp and add a padlock. This way, the purp goes elsewhere for the meal, and possibly falls into a trap set by an idiot, possibly by an unwitting AIDS patient who doesn't realise that he has the power of making a WMD out of a mere lunch thief. You can never know, but you did your part to prevent it, by locking up your food.
If you are a boss, you want to avoid liability to your company. Thus, you want to slow lunch theft, given the lawsuit hazard it imposes, let alone the bioterror hazard. Your employees will like not having to worry about stolen lunches, and you can worry less about ending up being a source of a pandemic. Also, it helps to not be anal-retentive about sick leave.
Naturally-occuring illness (like the flu) is another source of lawsuit hazard for a company. If a worker takes the L becuse he can't afford a car OR can't drive, any smallpoxer can cause your company a huge liability, by giving said worker the smallpox. While a smallpoxer is a terrorist, an Asian Bird Fluer is a naturally-occuring version waiting to happen. Anyone who's forced to ride the L from O'Hare is potentially subject tocatching Asian Bird Flu from an immigrant. Is it REALLY worth it to underpay your workers, so they can't afford to drive?
A lunch thief will often (but not always) be really omnivorous. Think about it. A lunch thief will have to be willing to eat most anything, so long as he or she finds it tasty. A fussy eater will not be a good suspect. They will not be prone to known (or any) food allergies. Thus, in offices, where you find yuppies you will be more likely to find a lunch thief. Only in larger blue-collar type workplaces will you find this criminal.
I mention "yuppies" becuse those who are high-wage young professionals are prone to visiting ethnic restaurants while most blue-collar types stay out, due to culinary non-adventurism. This is an ingredient in the profile of the lunch thief. Unless you pack a lunch like Bolute Eggs (as made famous by "Fear Factor") a lunch thief will at least try it.
Oddly enough, it's not from hunger in most cases, but a willing to try new foods or finding a mark's food tast's tasty that drives food thieves... but not always. As I found out the hard way. At work, I drink Diet 7-Up, becuse I want to lose weight. The lack of sugar/carbs and lack of caffeine was no deterrent. The purp may have well dumped it after one swig.
There are two strategies available to the one worker:
1: You can try to find the purp. this can be a real pain in the arse.
2: Ensure your lunch is secure, so the thief steals from others instead.
The first involves things like setting a trap, which can be funny, but problematic. The second, is easier, but you get no "satisfaction" from finding the purp. A third method, not mentioned, is the old "Ex-Lax" method. I chose to not mention it is becuse of legally murky issues, involving boobytraps, liability issues, and the like. If you are an AIDS patient, it can include bioterror/WMD issues! Lunch thieves take notice. There ARE gays with AIDS on meds walking around. Put that sandwich down, unless you want to be an unwitting WMD. I shall not describe how an AIDS patient can make himself or their fluids into a WMD by using you as the delivery system.
The best method is to simply lock up your food. (second method) You can always buy a lunchbox and attach a hasp and add a padlock. This way, the purp goes elsewhere for the meal, and possibly falls into a trap set by an idiot, possibly by an unwitting AIDS patient who doesn't realise that he has the power of making a WMD out of a mere lunch thief. You can never know, but you did your part to prevent it, by locking up your food.
If you are a boss, you want to avoid liability to your company. Thus, you want to slow lunch theft, given the lawsuit hazard it imposes, let alone the bioterror hazard. Your employees will like not having to worry about stolen lunches, and you can worry less about ending up being a source of a pandemic. Also, it helps to not be anal-retentive about sick leave.
Naturally-occuring illness (like the flu) is another source of lawsuit hazard for a company. If a worker takes the L becuse he can't afford a car OR can't drive, any smallpoxer can cause your company a huge liability, by giving said worker the smallpox. While a smallpoxer is a terrorist, an Asian Bird Fluer is a naturally-occuring version waiting to happen. Anyone who's forced to ride the L from O'Hare is potentially subject tocatching Asian Bird Flu from an immigrant. Is it REALLY worth it to underpay your workers, so they can't afford to drive?
posted by Michael Poulos at 7:21 PM
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